Category Archives: Humor

My own private Everest: Pentucket Pride 5K

Posted on November 28, 2011 | 2 comments

After the massive crowd and silly millinery of the Feaster Five, the Pentucket Pride 5K, at Pentucket Regional High School, in West Newbury, MA, was a laid-back affair, with 223 runners gathering on a foggy morning to support the high school’s athletic programs.

Pentucket Pride 5K

Runners at the foggy start of the Pentucket Pride 5K.

The course had been described as “challenging,” which, as my avid readers (!) know, puts the fear into me. In road race language, “challenging” always means “hilly.” Just once I’d like there to be a water hazard or something. You know, to shake it up a bit.

This helpful poster at the entrance to the high school cafeteria, where we gathered pre-race, did little to comfort me …

Pentucket Pride 5K

I may have peaked.

Sure, it may not seem so steep if you look at the numbers, but trust me, on a damp and chilly day, it was basically Everest.

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Will run for pie: Feaster Five Thanksgiving Day Road Race

Posted on November 25, 2011 | 8 comments

This was a momentous Turkey Day – for reasons that had nothing to do with Pilgrims and very little to do with turkey. Rather, Thanksgiving 2011 occasioned my running the Feaster Five in Andover, Massachusetts, which was not only my first 5K since early October but my inaugural attempt to run in the big chill. It was also my first time playing human dodgem.

This was a big run.

Feaster Five Thanksgiving Day Race

The start of the Feaster Five. At this point, half the runners had already crossed the start line (the banner in the distance). It took me a full six minutes to get there.

For a novice like me who has thus far dabbled in warm-weather races of a few hundred people, it was quite something to be among the 10,000 or so folks – clad in sweaters, gloves, beanies and, in some cases, hats shaped like turkeys (disturbing) – who had gathered on this gorgeous but frigid morning.

I was nervous about the cold. Though my hatred of heat is well documented, the chilly air has been known to wreak havoc on my asthmatic lungs (which of course is why I choose to live in New England).

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These tights are hard core. Unlike me

Posted on November 23, 2011 | 11 comments

CW-X Expert Insulator TightsWhen you live in Freezingtown, USA (also known as Boston), running outdoors takes on a whole new chilly, windy, frostbitery dimension – one I was quite unprepared for in the apparel department.

Apparently, I needed fancy new tights.

We’re definitely not talking your average, everyday gym leggings here. The stretchy marvels that were delivered to my abode yesterday, made by CW-X (the company also does compression socks – which still give me the fear), are from another universe™. They insulate, you see, with “WarmStretch™ temperature-regulation fabric to maintain a constant comfortable surface temperature in a variety of conditions – perfect for the cold weather athlete” (um, that’s me!) –  according to the CW-X website. They also feature Support Web™, which uses “kinesiology-taping technology to create an exoskeletal support system” (well, I do need all the support I can get).

The thing is, these tights are just so full of awesome, there’s no way I can possibly live up to them. (Did I mention that mine are called Insulator Expert Tights? That’s right, EXPERT.) I put them on and immediately feel like a fraud. They’re for marathon runners for whom a 5K is a casual jog around the block; not for me, who breaks into a lavish sweat after half a mile and still hasn’t managed to go 5K without walking.

They scream hard core where I scream: “Where’s the couch?”

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Things that give me The Fear #2: Hills

Posted on October 31, 2011 | 6 comments
The hills are alive

The hills are alive ... with the sound of wheezing.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am terrified of hills. The sight of them makes me quake in my sneakers; the mere mention of them leads me to question my new-found commitment to acquiring as many running T-shirts as possible.

In my extensive (!) experience with 5Ks, I have come across some doozy inclines. The Covered Bridge 5K in Henniker, NH, springs to mind. My approach to these  perils is usually to slow to a walk while tendering my best stink-eye. Sadly, the hills usually fail to respond (much to my chagrin, my death stare apparently cannot move mountains). This means I have no choice but to switch my jog to a swift plod and asthmatically ascend as best as I can.

If you thought my face was red on the flats, you should see it on the rises. I may have to contact the Pantone company about creating a new color in my honor: 5K Crimson.

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Posted in Humor, Running, Sports, Things That Give Me The Fear

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Things that give me The Fear #1: Compression socks

Posted on October 30, 2011 | 10 comments

Compression socksNow that I am an experienced veteran of eight 5Ks (!), I have come to realize that there are certain things that put the absolute fear into me (I guess that’s a point I could make about life too; but this is a blog about running).

So, herewith the first in an occasional series.

Compression socks

I never thought I’d spend too much – OK, any – time thinking about compression socks. I mean, who would? But the mere sight of these at a race is almost enough to make me run in the other direction. Unusually fast.

I don’t know whether it’s because their presence screams “I’m so hard core, you may as well go home” or they give me flashbacks to my childhood and the disturbing tendency of Aussie men to team knee socks with shorts, but either way they instill in me unprecedented levels of The Fear.

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